Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Well, today was the official day. I can't believe my baby is now over 9 weeks old. It doesn't seem possible that all of that time I spent with him is already over. I can't believe that the time went by so unbelievably quick. This morning I had to bite the bullet and finally drop off my baby at daycare. I think this is one of the hardest things I have had to do. I was doing very well initially, Iain was in a great mood this morning, talking to his little bugs toys on his carseat, I was able to stop at Starbucks on the way, and it was a great way to start. HOWEVER, Iain started crying because he lost his grip on his teddy bear, and by the time I made it to the daycare center, I was quickly losing grip on my calm demeanor. Iain had calmed down by the time we made it inside, and I was able to start my paperwork when the daycare owner asked me how I was doing. You know, I really think I would have made it had she not asked me that one little question.

HOW ARE YOU DOING? A simple question really, one with a very simple answer. (Fine, Thank you. How are you?) But on this day, that was all it took for me to lose all control over my emotions. It hit me so hard, that deep down, I was leaving my baby without his mommy. Who would calm him when he would get upset today? Who would comfort him when his tummy was rumbling? Who would help my little boy sleep when he is fighting it so hard. Who? Someone he had never met before. Someone who smelled different. Someone whose voice is NOT mommy's. Somone who didn't know what lullaby puts him to sleep so quickly. All of these strange new people to deal with. This is what I left my baby with. I cried for about 15 minutes before I could leave this morning. Finally, I decided I could leave him because he found a red kite hanging from the ceiling. He smiled. That is what let me leave him. It wasn't because I knew he was happy, but because I felt better leaving him smiling than leaving him crying.

I realized tonight, that today was NOT a day about Iain. NO. It was a day about Mommy, and how well she could handle being away from her little boy. I did okay at school, as long as no one asked. So I volunteered the greeting today... "I am fine...Don't ask me. Thanks." Everyone knew where I was coming from today, and let me be with that. Well, this afternoon when it came time to pick Iain up, I go in to find one of my students who works there after school changing my baby boy. (Thank goodness... I know her very well... she is a very good girl.) She told me about his day, he took a couple of naps, took 3 bottles, had 4 diapers changed...and they all ooohed and ahhhed over how alert and attentive he is. They also were amazed at how strong he is. The very nice lady who has been there for 15 years told me that he is the strongest most alert 9 week old baby she has ever seen there. She said that he LOVES his teddy bear and that he clutches it so tight to his cheek. For some strange reason, that made me feel better. I don't know why, I guess I know that there is something famiar that he can hang on to.

Anyway to get to the point.. .Iain did just fine... It was just Mommy who had the hard time. I am good though, I think I might make it tomorrow morning with just 5 minutes of tears... We will see.

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